Subject: Causality and Correlation
From: Marty Schwartz (schwartz@ohio.edu)
Date: Tue Jul 25 2000 - 13:32:51 CDT
This has been floating around the web without attribution. I do something
like this, but this is better than what I do, so I will probably find some
smarmy way to use it, probably when talking about drugs. I particularly
enjoy classes that deal with the issue that Ecstasy is the same as Prozac,
but it is much more dangerous because it is illegal, so we need to increase
the penalties. If that makes sense, I know some congresspeople who have
room for you on their staffs.
Marty Schwartz
BREAD AND CRIME
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates
were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases
such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough". It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body
being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy,
gooey, bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with
celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300% federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-Free" zones around schools.
Remember: Think idiotically, act globally.
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