Donna Darden.
>> >> 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class
>> >> -- by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
>> >>
>> >> 1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
>> >> noises.
>> >> 2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class
>> >> for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that
>> >> yesterday was the last day to drop.
>> >> 3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
>> >> scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
>> >> 4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
>> >> 5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point
>> >> to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
>> >> 6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you
>> >> a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor
>> >> can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
>> >> 7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand
>> >> them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture,
>> >> Mr. Smartypants?"
>> >> 8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
>> >> with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
>> >> "tsk, tsk".
>> >> 9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
>> >> 10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class
>> >> whether your butt looks fat.
>> >> 11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
>> >> 12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
>> >> Giggle throughout it.
>> >> 13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
>> >> hotline number on the board.
>> >> 14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore
>> >> all questions.
>> >> 15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
>> >> "Sex Machine."
>> >> 16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
>> >> would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
>> >> 17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local
>> >> phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will
>> >> be a quiz.
>> >> 18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
>> >> of you as you pace back and forth.
>> >> 19. Address students as "worm".
>> >> 20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
>> >> single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at
>> >> any moment.
>> >> 21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping,
>> >> and begin singing spirituals.
>> >> 22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver
>> >> as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
>> >> 23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name,
>> >> rank, and serial number.
>> >> 24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce
>> >> that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
>> >> 25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
>> >> question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
>> >> 26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
>> >> several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence
>> >> and proceed normally.
>> >> 27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone
>> >> asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions
>> >> with your hands.
>> >> 28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
>> >> 29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
>> >> 30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and
>> >> ask students to "sit back and groove".
>> >> 31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
>> >> projects.
>> >> 32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code
>> >> all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
>> >> 33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers
>> >> McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question,
>> >> walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
>> >> 34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
>> >> 35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
>> >> number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in
>> >> place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
>> >> 36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
>> >> intervals.
>> >> 37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
>> >> assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
>> >> 38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
>> >> 39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
>> >> 40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every
>> >> ten minutes.
>> >> 41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake
>> >> the funk".
>> >> 42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
>> >> them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
>> >> 43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
>> >> 44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
>> >> required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark
>> >> through Armenia, for next class.
>> >> 45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
>> >> Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
>> >> 46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
>> >> 47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
>> >> 48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
>> >> 49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
>> >> their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that
>> >> bug I picked up in the field".
>> >> 50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream,
>> >> "Are you pumped?
>> >> ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
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