ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...
ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...
ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold
for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call,
please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your
telephone touch pad,
followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret
compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is
printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at
your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all
your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing
materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event
that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain
from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting
obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and
blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only
from ours, but that of every other electronics-related firm in the
industrialized world.
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us
to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your
equipment. Have you ever called Technical Support before? If you have
please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press the
numeral "two". If you are not sure, using the letters on your touchpad,
spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the
will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make
arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes
your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.
(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle"
in its entirety)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated
waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two
hours.
(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician
about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his
valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor
screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or,
alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every
possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only
telephone option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I
consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can
probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the
central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can not
honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line
immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly
desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the
reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form
of a salamander.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this
week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may
wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you
to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like
to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the
telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for
Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.
(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny Nmemonic
starring Keanu Reeves.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate
that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack
combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing
so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base
and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support
and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product
users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your
needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us
should any further technical problems arise.